the kali grind

On the way to God the difficulties
feel like being ground by a millstone,
like night coming at noon, like
lightening through the clouds.

But don't worry!

What must come, comes.
Face everything with love,
as your mind dissolves in God.

~Lalla (1320-1392)

Stretch...Yawn...Eeep! Where am I?
After a long silence, I feel as though I'm crawling out from under a rock in order to dally and delight in verbiage and wordage again. During a crazed sabbatical into the land of Sit-Down-and-Shut-Up, I discovered that I can get really-really quiet when things get scary. I am finally feeling less impending dome and more truth, beauty and consciousness, so now that I'm back, I wanna touch and name everything.

Let's begin with; these are indeed interesting times we live in. Political and fiduciary mayhem aside, I couldn't have dreamed up a stranger plot. The one year anniversary of my father's suicide came and went. I listened to his favorite song (Paint it Black by The Rolling Stones) and played a game of chess with myself. I do miss him but I also understand that he had his reasons. I won't go into all the details but I will say that the last 5 years have been one heck of a wild ride. I feel as though I've been tenderized again and again under Kali-ma's millstone. She leaves me wondering if there is anything left of me and then she is back and we do it all again.

The most recent smoothing took place at the emergency room about 3 months ago. Who knew that walking through a room in the dark and stubbing one's toe on a book could land you in a medical mess, spiraling over a scary chasm of A.M.A. demons? After the first blood test, we discovered that my liver was very mad at me, which created a meltdown in other areas. The day after the injury, the pain in my foot mirrored itself on the other side of my body and shot up both legs. Odd as it sounds, these are the symptoms of a little known ailment called reflexive sympathetic dystrophy or R.S.D., wiki it if you wanna know more. Leave it to me to come up with a totally obscure illness. Most people haven't ever heard of it but those who have respond with, "Oh you poor dear! That's dreadful. I had a friend with that and she almost asked for an amputation. All you can do is pray and hope the painkillers work." Actually
acupuncture multiple times a week and massive quantities of Chinese herbs have reduced the pain to an almost workable level...though I'm still scared about my next blood test. I send my liver happy-love vibes.

Okay Okay, life is still good. My daughter-ling is trez fabu (poor girly has finals this week). I still teach dance, though I haven't been able to dance myself for almost 3 months. Yoga is my saving grace. Knitting is fun, as is cooking. The last few batches of granola have incited riots of glee from all who tried it, can't make the stuff fast enough. Perhaps I should take my cues from the obvious and resign myself to the fact that I am indeed a Boulder granola girl. And Hey! I won the annual chai making contest, kudos to me. The secret to my success? Saffron and Mexican vanilla beans which were blessed by nuns and said to be a gift from God. Can't beat that. Leave it to the dasi to cheat by imploring God to make it yummy.

Amidst all the weirdness of the last few years, I am ever so grateful for all of my friends who continue to pull me, kicking and screaming at times, into the splendors of love and light and bliss...even when I wanna pretend there is no such thing...tee hee. Thanx for not giving up on me.